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| Knutt The Unscarred on his way to the Day Spa. (source) |
WaL : Good morning, Mr.Knutt. Thanks for agreeing to this interview!
Knutt: Greeting, puny man. May you find honorable death on the battlefield.
WaL: Hum. Yes. That sounds reasonable… Now, Knutt, so our readers can learn more about what you do, and why we are interviewing you for a creative writing blog, could you introduce yourself?
Knutt: Your readers should know Knutt already.
WaL: Well… they should, shouldn't they. But for the few of them who have just learned to read?
Knutt: I do not like repeating myself. But I am magnanimous. I am a Knutt the Unscarred, holder of the world record for successive brawls and battles without receiving any wound.
I am also author of the bestselling New-York Times book: "A kick in the Knutt: dodging your way through life"
WaL: This is very impressive, Knutt.
Knutt: A lifetime achievement.
WaL : Although this is remarkable, we do know about one other great feature you have achieved, yet you seem reluctant to discuss the topic. Would you care telling us why?
Knutt: I do not know what you are speaking of. Knutt is a renowned warrior with a seamless technique. It is enough for puny men to know.
WaL: Well, not really. Knutt, you have been the ambassador of Gorgeous Him Skin Care Cosmetics and an idol of the metrosexual community, worldwide, for the last five years. Don't you think it is worth talking about?
Knutt: I do not.
WaL: Don't be so hard on yourself. Look at you. That perfect complexion, the fine grain of your epiderm despite hours of shaving with a double bladed battle ax, the perfect smoothness of muscles and sinews carefully kept away from body hairs… It has to mean something!
Knutt: It means I fight and I win, and I never bring a scar home. And then I shave and pose for the puny men's balms. Because a Norse Warrior has to eat 5 times a day and feast 5 times a night, and that is an expensive lifestyle.
WaL: You are talking about it like it's a bad thing!
Knutt: My brother lost a toe last year. My village made the bone into a necklace for his wife to wear. My brother does not pose for balms. My village is very proud.
WaL: This is terrible!
Knutt: Yes. When Knutt goes back to his village, men who are not puny and have fur on their chin and chest, they laugh. They say Knutt should stop fighting and start polishing puny men's shoes since Knutt is so good at caring for skin. Bjørn The Bald came home with an eye patch last week, he got a wife now.
WaL: No, no that's not what I meant! It's terrible that people wear other people's toes as a necklace!
Knutt: Not the truth. Toes and fingers are very good for pendents, ears get all dry and forearms are too heavy. Sister in law is very proud.
WaL: I wouldn't be proud of that! You are a public figure, doesn't it count for something!
Knutt: AH! Counting! In my village we count SCARS! They are proof of valor! And what is my name? Knutt the UNSCARRED. They call me Baby Butt Knutt! You know not of the shame! What I would give for the slashing of a sword across my face! Having my ear bitten off while struggling against a mass of enemies!
WaL: But… aren't you happy that you can come home without ever being hurt?
Knutt: KNUTT IS ALWAYS HURT AT THE VILLAGE! KNUTT HURTS! INSIDE!
WaL: I think we are getting a little carried away Knutt. Please drop the ax.
Knutt: PUNY MAN HAS NO HEART! KNUTT FEELINGS SCARRED BY CRUEL WORDS!
At that point of the interview, Without A Lemon wasn't able to collect Knutt's opinions due to his sitting down and prostrated rambling.
Our readers will be happy to know that our favorite Warrior Of Smoothness has recovered and will be giving away signed copies of his books along with samples of Gorgeous Him skin care cream at our redaction, next Wednesday, proving one more time that Gorgeous Him is the brand for sensitive skins and sensitive souls!
More info, more cake and still no lemon at Without a Lemon's Facebook Page
In Bed WIth Knut The Unscarred by Danny Hefer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
I am very disappointed in this article. You have no respect for my self esteem. I will take action, with my battle ax and my lawyer, and puny man will go back to his village with a LOT of necklaces!
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