5 Tips To Stop Being Invited At Parties

Social goiter: actually a symptom of
over partying. (source)

Has your popularity deprived you from the me-time you so badly need? Are you longing in nostalgia for these sweet evening spent softly crying yourself to sleep?

Our solution will restore your freedom by turning the act of inviting you to a party into a potent, disturbing mental disorder.






All you have to do is to slightly alter your behavior in the 5 following areas:

• Attire
• Hubris
• Overreaction
• Lethargy
• Exhibition

Let's get started.

1) Attire

If knowing that a bright green high heels won't ever match your beard and your size 19 feet is important, attire means more than mere fashion.
Choosing the right attire is about showing to your potential tribe that your ritual bone is going through the right nostril.

Of course, the message YOU want to deliver is: "My tribe will eat yours and pick their teeth with your tailbones".

If the host has issued flyers, the dress code is probably somewhere there; use it at your advantage.

"Casual chic"? Come in a tux.
"Dress to impress"? Bathrobe and hotel slippers will do.
"Formal"? Come in costume.

The shortcut

Always come in costume. On every occasion.
Even during a costumed event, showing up in a full Klu Klux Klan dress never fails, especially when they find out the swastika tattooed on your forehead when you remove the mask.

Viable alternative.
(credits)

2) Hubris

You've managed to look adequate enough to actually pass the door? All is not lost.

See, everyone there has one thing in common: they want to spend some good time, at least until they find out you've spiked the punch with Ruphilin.
To do so, they try staying polite, listen when talked to, share food and drink, needles… and all these little thing contributing to a lovely ambiance.

All this nancy-pamby good mood and social smoothness isn't what you're looking for.
It has to be about you, and will become so.

Move around, tell the crew who you are and how parties are done, intrude into conversation and one-up whoever is talking.
Driking from other's cups, eating from other's plates, do not forget keep the conversation going by repeatedly mentioning passion for dermatology, bring pictures.

The Shortcut:

Every time someone emits an opinion, pat them on the shoulder and say: "That's my boy!". If your condescending tone doesn't do the trick, your inability to differentiate genders will.

With Every.Single.Guest.
(source)

3) Overreaction

The crew was too drunk/high/tolerant to react to your overflowing ego? This, requires action.

Assuming you still have any friends, what they intend to do when throwing a party is to get things moving and, if possible, let their entourage interact-under-influence.
The social norm in such situations is to either take the temperature of the place and react accordingly, or discreetly observe the crowd of real people having fun from a corner of the kitchen. It's time to go full Hugh Laurie and take that temperate in a precise, rectal way.

Someone tells a joke? Jump up and down while spilling your drink, then apologize on your knee for soaking your interlocutor in light beer while babbling indistinct words about how 'Ma would be ashamed of your behavior and please not the phone book, not again.

Someone get vocal about the war? Give them a military salute, stop the music, and climb on a chair to deliver a 20 minutes speech about how right they are. Do not forget to point at them while mentioning their name through tears of pride.

The Shortcut:

Find a music instrument (or better: pry it away from whoever is using it) and amaze the crowd with your singing. "Tonight's gonna be a good night" is generally considered a good choice, and better sung at the very top of your voice.
Singing while playing is essential, especially if your newly acquired instrument is a saxophone.

Portrayed: "Out of pickles"
(credits)

4) Lethargy

Any party worth naming can be remembered by its hotspot. Like that couch where every single has been pretending to relax on at various times of the evening. They are, in fact, patiently waiting for their prey. After several hours of inebriated dancing, one is bound to finally stop caring about crooked teeth and haircuts from the 80's and collapse by their side, exhausted and ready for abduction.

Go occupy that couch right in the middle, assuming a prostrated position while playing an online RPG on your smartphone. It will allow you to prevent a good percentage of the crowd from getting even semi-intimate (or end up in a weird, razor sharp love triangle).

The Shortcut:

Mexican food ingested 30 minutes prior to the event will greatly enhance this already straightforward strategy.

[picture placeholder, to busy to upload ]

[caption: about to level up, leave me be]

5) Exhibition

If nothing else works, there is still the option of getting naked from the waist down. Make sure to proceed before the alcohol starts flowing. This strategy might result in some adverse side effect depending on your gender and environment.
Warning: Doesn't work with naturists,  or with anyone after 3 a.m.

The Shortcut:

You do not want anything either short or cut there, believe me, I talk from experience.

From the waist down.
Donate to scroll.

You are now set to recover your lost free time, read Proust and tell me how much help I need in the comment section.

More info, more cake and still no lemon at Without a Lemon's Facebook Page


5 Tips To Never Be Invited To Parties (excluding photos) by Danny Hefer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.